you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
