Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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