Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
How naked do you want me to be?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
