I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
