i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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