the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
