I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
