when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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