Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
