Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
