when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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