We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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