I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
