I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
