do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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