walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
