Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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