I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
