I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
