Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
