She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
