There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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