I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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