ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
