Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
