im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
