The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
