my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
