so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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