once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
