I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
