she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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