i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
