I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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