Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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