Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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