So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
