Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
