the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
