you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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