I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
