what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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