hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
