just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
