and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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