I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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