oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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