You can't special order awesome
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
