when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
