I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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