Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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