If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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