You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
