Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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