my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
