I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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