You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
